


Seeing Disbeliving

by Fairfaxleasee



Series: Fenris/Cassia [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:14:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29291202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fairfaxleasee/pseuds/Fairfaxleasee
Summary: Fenris has spent three years watching what the night he left has done to Cassia Hawke, but he still doesn't understand why it's affecting her like nothing else has.
Relationships: Fenris/Female Hawke, Fenris/Hawke (Dragon Age)
Series: Fenris/Cassia [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2141970
Kudos: 6





	Seeing Disbeliving

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to @blondetexan and @xqueen0fhellx for betaing
> 
> Find me on tumblr at https://fairfaxleasee.tumblr.com/

_ It doesn’t make any  _ sense _! _

Fenris had been having the same thought every time he looked at, or thought about the last time he’d looked at, Cassia Hawke for the past three years. It didn’t make any sense, and the longer it went on, the less sense it made. Of course, the longer it went on, the less he saw of Cass. And the less he saw of Cass, the less Cass there seemed to be to see.

Something was eating away at her, hollowing her out from the inside. The people who only knew her as The Champion or from the  _ ridiculous _ stories Varric told didn’t seem to notice, but if the glares from Aveline and disappointed head shakes from Varric he’d been getting were any indication, he wasn’t the only one who realized something was very, very wrong with her.

Which is  _ exactly _ what didn’t make sense! Nothing should be wrong with Cass, nothing was  _ ever _ wrong with Cass for more than a few days! He’d been there when she’d had to kill her own sister in the Deep Roads after Bethany had caught the Taint, and Cass had been fine after a few  _ hours _ . And that wasn’t even mentioning the things that, by rights, should have been wrong with Cass that she dodged entirely. He’d watched when she dueled the Arishok and had left him dead at her feet in less than a minute from one blow. It hadn’t even been a blow, it had been a  _ scratch _ ; and she hadn’t even really done it, she’d just let him run into the knife.

But something was obviously wrong with her now. And had been wrong for years. And he knew exactly what it was, because he was the one who had done it to her. In the briefest stolen glances he’d seen of her eyes over the years, before she’d disappear from behind them and turn away, he saw the pain  _ he’d _ turned away from that terrible, terrible night. Except it wasn’t three years  _ better _ now; it was three years  _ worse _ .

He’d known it would hurt her, of course; Cass may be able to brush things off like they were nothing, but she wasn’t some sort of golem that couldn’t feel pain. He’d hurt her before that night, and by the time he caught up to her to apologize she was always  _ fine _ . Hesitant, sometimes; most of the time, but  _ fine _ . He should have apologized for this years ago, he’d regretted it before he’d done it; he’d just let things get away from him - he’d gone too fast because he’d wanted her, needed her  _ so badly _ ; and he hadn’t been ready for what it would mean to him, what  _ she _ would mean to him. And the memories that came back just long enough for him to realize they’d slipped away again had only made things worse, made him panic and run.

He expected it to take a bit of time for her to work her way to ‘fine’ this time; but again, this was Cass - he had been expecting days, maybe a week. Not three years. He couldn’t have hurt her in a way he hadn’t understood, somehow… she had wanted it too, hadn’t she?

He touched the scrap of red cloth wrapped around his wrist. He’d stolen it from her that night, while she slept. Well, maybe he didn’t  _ steal _ it really; she’d told him she didn’t want it weeks before he’d taken it. It was a memento of her mother’s failed attempt to get her to take up embroidery. She had no interest in the hobby but knew that her mother would only let it go if Leandra was the one who decided Cass didn’t need to do it anymore, so Cass had decided that the only color she would use on a particular project would be the one the exact shade of the cloth she was embroidering. When she could still talk to him, she’d told him her mother had thrown her second project in the fire with a declaration that Cass was utterly impossible to work with and she was wasting her time. So now Fenris had the only example of her work; her study in scarlet. He’d been hoping that she would see it and know that he still cared about her, but if she did see it, she didn’t seem to understand what he wanted it to mean. It was probably stupid for him to expect her to through the pain.

The one thing, the  _ only _ thing he could say for himself was he hadn’t left her while she was still asleep. He’d at least been brave enough to say good-bye, even if he couldn’t watch the pain he knew he’d cause crash over her. He still couldn’t stand watching the pain; that was part of why he hadn’t approached her since. He watched her so desperately in the beginning, once he’d figured out what he wanted to say to her, what he should have said in the first place, because he kept waiting for the day when she  _ would _ be fine. When he could talk to her without her pain hanging over them both. When they could move forward, together. They  _ had _ to be together… didn’t they?

He slid a hand down his face at the fear that he refused to name and resumed staring at the door to her estate. He didn’t want to risk missing what he was waiting for. Or what he shouldn’t be hoping for.

As much as he always ached to, he doubted he would see Cass again that night. He couldn’t remember the last time she’d left the estate of her own volition, she hadn’t even walked Squall in months; Aveline was doing it. He was only able to see her as much as he did because both Meredith and Orsino were determined to drag her into that spat of theirs, convinced she would see things their way and not the other’s. Of course they weren’t interested in Cass being on their side; they wanted The Champion on their side. Rotten luck for them that Cass was Champion and disagreed with them both. Still, at least he could  _ see _ her. Even if every time he did, he was afraid it was the last time he would. Which was why he watched her so desperately now - there was so little of her left. He didn’t want to miss any.

He tensed as a vertical beam of light pierced the darkness he was lurking in from the door to Cass’ estate opening. He saw the short shadow with a crossbow on its back walk out the door into the night. He had to wait for the door to close again before following Varric; the last time he had tried to talk to Orana about Cass she had actually threatened him; said if she ever caught him near the estate again, she’d call the guards - and he didn’t think she’d been bluffing.

He jogged to catch up and waited until he would be out of earshot of the estate before he called, “Varric!”

The dwarf turned to face him, “Elf? I thought you were supposed to keep a low profile around here.”

“I -” he turned his head slightly, “That’s not important right now.”

“If you say so.”

Fenris turned back to Varric, “You were at her estate; you saw her? How - how is she?”

It was Varric’s turn to look away. He shook his head a bit as he answered, “Well, Elf, I was at the estate; but I’m going to be honest with you, I can’t remember the last time I actually saw Jigsaw. And she’s… I think she might be worse than she looks.”

Fenris clenched his fists, “ _ Why _ ?”

He hadn’t meant to say it out loud but he must have as Varric responded, “I can’t help you there, Elf. She won’t talk to me about it, won’t talk to  _ anyone _ about it. The woman’s a locked vault when she wants to be. A locked vault surrounded by puzzles and booby traps and booby trapped puzzles. But why are you asking me? You had more luck talking to her than anybody, why not just go by and ask her yourself?”

“I… can’t. I  _ can’t _ , Varric.”

“If you say so, Elf. I’m just not sure how much longer you’ll be able to change your mind.” Varric turned to continue towards the Hanged Man. Fenris stood in the dark and refused to think about the implications of what Varric had said. He was considering whether he wanted to go directly back to his mansion or wait by Cass’ hoping to catch a glimpse of her first when he heard Varric call to him, “Oh, and Elf - you’ll be in town for this week’s game, right?”

“Game?” Fenris had no idea what Varric was talking about.

“Wicked Grace, Elf. Everyone misses taking your money.”

“I-” 

“Look, Elf; I’m not going to stand around and let you AND Jigsaw both waste away up here in Hightown. And of the two of you, you’re the social one. And lately the cheery one.”

Fenris considered. He would be in town, he couldn’t seem to decide whether it was worse being in Kirkwall and  _ knowing _ how poorly Cass was doing or being away from Kirkwall and having to wonder just how poorly Cass was doing. Besides, he was expecting a letter. He just didn’t know whether he wanted to waste an evening playing Wicked Grace when he could spend it trying to see Cass.

Varric got tired of waiting, “Elf, even when she went out, she never went out on weekends. And it’s pretty obvious that this… thing you’re doing is terrible for both of you.”

Varric was right, Cass hated going out on weekends even before she refused to leave her estate. “Fine, Varric. I’ll be there.”

“Good. See you there, Elf.”

Fenris watched Varric start down the steps for Lowtown. He couldn’t say he particularly cared about seeing the dwarf at the card game. He cared about the same thing he’d been caring about for too long - that the last time he’d seen Cass wouldn’t be the last time he saw her. 


End file.
